“You should write down everything we say, starting with what we just said. Make that the dialogue, so then she’ll know it was a ploy to begin with,” said Schmidt, as he sat up, finger pointing at something.

“Dude, I have to read this in front of the class,” replied Kevin.

“Yeah, they’ll laugh their asses off,” mumbled Smokestack, sliding his hand down his pants.

Schmidt, Kevin, and Smokestack did this every night. They referred to themselves as the THREE KINGS, taking themselves so seriously that upon coming up with the name, it was decreed that it never be written in lowercase letters.

“Better stop talking, he already has a lot to type,”

“Is this thing cashed? I think I see a little something in there,” said Kevin as he looked up from the typewriter.

Suddenly, Dr. Phil came on the television. “You people should move into your car.” Laughter ensued. Kevin laughed so hard, he was thrashing his head back and forth in violent motions.

“Hey, can I have another beer?” Smokestack reached for a beer and many feel out of the refrigerator. “I grabbed the one on the top, I swear to god.”

“Dude, put that feeble quote in there,” laughed Schmidt.

Kevin put his “Flags of the World” steamroller to his face and began to light it. “Yeah, smoke that before it smokes you.” Smokestack returned to his seat. “Man, I ain’t here to hoe nobody out,” replied the steamroller. “Dude, that steamroller just used Ebonics!” exclaimed Schmidt.

“Dude, you can only write Ebonics if you capitalize it. Do you have to capitalize English and stuff?”

“Yeah, I think romance languages are the only ones that aren’t capitalized,” answered Smokestack.

The other TWO KINGS knew that this was probably a “damned dirty lie.”

“Dude, I’m gonna play this off like it isn’t really happening. If anyone asks, this never happened.”

“You guys aren’t going to ask me why I just talked?” asked the steamroller. “Dude, you obviously want us to know, so just tell us,” quipped Smokestack. Schmidt took offense, replying “Dude, I wouldn’t be mean to a steamroller. Oh, by the way Kevin, have you been saving this? I like to save every ten minutes or so, it would suck to lose your paper.”

“Dude, I’m gonna tell people that I don’t have any friends named Schmidt or Smokestack.” “Yeah, tell them ‘I Dare you to prove that I do,” laughed Smokestack. “Hey guys, I’m trying to tell a story here,” said the steamroller. No reply. The THREE KINGS just kept talking amongst themselves. Occasionally, someone would take a hit from the steamroller, sending it into a frenzy. “Get that goddamn flame away from me. You guys are fuckin’ sick!” “Shut up and take it like a man, “Flags of the World” steamroller. Your Confederate, Fiji, Nepal, and Formosa flags won’t save you now,” said Schmidt as he cashed the steamroller and tossed ‘that fuckin’ whipper snapper’ over his shoulder.

The THREE KINGS continued their intense conversation, thinking nothing more of the steamroller. Being a piece of marijuana paraphernalia, the ’Flags of the World’ steamroller had an extremely short attention span, got up and walked out the door. “Dude, was there ever a time that anyone thought Oliver Platt might go somewhere,” said Schmidt. Unbeknownst to the THREE KINGS, the ‘Flags of the World’ steamroller was down the street robbing a liquor store.

“Hey guys, I just robbed a liquor store out of boredom, now let me tell you my goddamn story. It’ s ‘Flags of the World’ steamroller time. Now!” screamed the steamroller. Surrounding the piece were several bags full of liquor and cigarettes. And money. Kevin turns around, noticing the steamroller at the door. “Hey, the steamroller is back.” “Are you still here? Now we’ve got this talking bong, and he’s been regaling us with stories about the old smokehouse,” said Schmidt, slowly. “Yeah, just leave the groceries and money at the door.”

The steamroller walked away, knowing that his life was far from over. “Someone will find me and pick me up. I will live to see another smoke! Screw the three kings.” Suddenly, the steamroller felt a heavy weight on his back. A large alley cat, in heat, sat on the steamroller. Just then, a larger male alley cat ravaged the anticipating female cat. Long after the cats had walked away, the stearoller was still lying on the sidewalk, motionless. By morning, a garbage man had thrown the steamroller in the truck, crushing it and ending its life. Most people say people say the steamroller was dead long before it was crushed. The rejection from the THREE KINGS, the cats surviving coitus on his back, these things are what killed the steamroller. If you ask the THREE KINGS about it, they probably have little recollection of the whole thing.

i think the story may be a bit misleading. it was supposed to be a one-page fiction narrative about an inatimate object coming to life. hope you dig.